Tuesday, April 29 | 1:01 am

it's a huge step. i've talked to a few close friends about it. some understand and are really encouraging, equipping me with the confidence and courage i could not find within myself. for that, thank you so much. you know who you are. all of yous. :)

others, are well, less receptive.. more skeptical. but i must not blame them. they never saw it coming, hell I never saw it coming myself. i've always been viewed in this one light, and it's hard to take Me out of that spotlight and put Me on a different stage. it's something that is hard for even myself to grapple with, so how can i expect others to?

but like one of you said, because of the Me that I am, whichever stage you put Me on, i will strive for the best. and god willing, i will succeed. insya'allah :)

it's a long winding path that stretches deep into the dark unknown, it's a big bad scary world out there. but like one of you said, it's time to grow up and be that adult you are meant to be. (ok so maybe i added more words.)

tonight, my mother told me she sujud syukur and gave thanks. indeed, all that this household is suddenly receiving, comes with His blessing. and because i know that what i am being offered is not one of my mother's favourite options, to know that she has given it fair thought, that she has acknowledged it, that she is grateful for it.. means a lot. i've never liked doing something without my parents' blessings.

i'm slowly getting through to them, and with time i hope, they trust that i have thought it through and that i'm making a fair decision.

there's so many other people i wish i could talk to. i've received comments and opinions of peers, people like myself, people eager for the experiences of the working world.. but i would surely gain more confidence in making my decisions if i could just.. get the opinions of experienced and seasoned individuals.

they haven't given me much time though. i have to return a reply by May 2nd.

and between now and then, i have two exams. bahh, exams.

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Monday, April 28 | 1:07 am

getting a twitter. because zati makes it look darn cool.

and i wanna twitter with her. :)

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Wednesday, April 23 | 2:00 pm

doors i never knew were there.. are suddenly open.

it's about the scariest thing, the biggest step i might have to take. all my life, of all the things, never this.

but the scope, is far too exciting to ignore.

how about previous dreams and ambitions? this is where i stop to think.

passion is not a matter. no matter, i will be in touch with my first love. how it manifests, now that is where the fork in the road lies.

let's not jump the gun though. this seems a little premature.

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Sunday, April 13 | 3:55 pm

on friday, i received a phone call. insya'allah.

on friday, i also received a beautiful gift. thank you, prof lim. i never thought i'd be one of those people. i've always been on the other side - the spectator. wondering in awe how he did it. what goes on in his mind. envious that the prof is impressed. feeling like he is way out of my league.

then i realised, there is no league schmeague. there is only you, and someone out there who will appreciate your kind of work, your kind of thinking. i'm glad i found that person for me. thank you for giving me back my confidence, and for restoring my faith in myself.

for many days now, i've needed a day like friday.

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Monday, April 7 | 11:09 am

i know, i know. let this now be my solitude.

it is the worst feeling to be living, breathing, sleeping something you don't quite believe in. thus has been my life for the past 8 months.

i will be glad when this is over.

in the end, mediocrity doesn't quite cut it for me. and this project is mediocre.

meanwhile. gentle manners, modesty and patience.

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